Grieving a Loss of Innocence

I have always been slow to emotionally process things. 

 

I love to look at this beautiful world that God created for us and stare in awe at its beauty.  I love sunsets and spring wildflowers.  Mountains and waterfalls are nothing short of miracles.  I love the smell of the salt air, the roar of the ocean waves, and I feel the hand of God touching me as the sun rays warm me as a summer breeze blows across my face. 
 

I believe in people too.  I love to watch people’s faces soften when they talk to a child.  I feel my most powerful when I touch someone’s heart and help shape their life’s for the better; I believe that most people in the world feel this same way.  I love to watch families care for their elders.  I love how the elders pass on their knowledge, wisdom, & love to those that care for them.  I believe most people want to help humanity and love one another.

 

So while I have been silent about the tragedy in Boston, my heart has been slowly trying to accept it.  I have thought a lot about the families, loved ones lost, grief, anguish, sorrow, and lives forever changed- and I grieve.   

 

Tonight though, I grieved the tragedy in Boston for a personal loss.

 

I cannot protect my children from understanding life and death.  With life threatening food allergies, it is vtal to their survival to understand the gravity of not eating foods that can cause anaphylaxis.  In many ways, my boys -and according to other parents with children with life threatening food allergies- have had to grow up too soon.

Although I realize I cannot protect my children from the ugliness that exists in the world, I have tried to preserve their innocence for as long as possible as they have needed to grow up too soon in other ways.  I am not sure when I planned to let them slowly get a glimpse of the tarnished reality of this world, but I always felt I would know when the time was right.  Although, I know that is such a naïve thought!  Would there ever be such a time to tarnish their innocent outlook in childhood?

 

I understand that in order to appreciate the beauty and benevolence in people you must also understand there is evil in the world.  I mentally comprehend this sad fact, but my heart has yet to accept it.  Tonight my oldest sweet “baby” came home today and told me another child shared with him the news of the Boston bombings.  He talked about the known facts and asked me about the families.  He understood more than I wish he did.  While he talked about the incident I cried.  I cried openly for the loss of those lost.  I cried for the children and families that witnessed this horrid event and who's lives will forever be altered.  And I cried for the loss of my child’s innocence. 

 

So tonight I still grieve.

 

But tomorrow, I will hold my babies close and be so grateful that I can.  Tomorrow, I will again try to paint a picture of God’s beauty in the world and preserve in my boys an unwavering belief in a loving world filled with mostly good people.